home sweet home

i miss my home.

my home sweet home.

thousands and thousands of miles away....

i was born there

i felt loved there

i loved every minute of my life there

i was full of joy.

i miss my home.

i miss me.

countdown

I will count

count till you drop.

One day

I'll make you see

One day

I'll make you cry.

LOVE

Love will empower you

it will embrace you

hold you

make everything right.

Love will light your soul

give you hope

fill you with joy.

Love will torture you

hurt you

leave you there to burn

Love will take away your sanity

fill you with grief...

and shatter you with lies.

LOVE.

IS.

BLIND.

struggle

time will heal.

but it hurts so bad.

no one will love you as much as I.

IMPOSSIBLE.

went to the gym today.

I was actually able to go non-stop.

that felt good.actually felt good.

I will yell and scream.

all the memories.

it feels like an open wound.

THIN.

I NEED TO BE THIN.

THINTHINTHIN

or else.....

what goes around...

in the end someone always wins the fight.

someone will give in.

someone will be knocked out.

and someone will win.

what am i fighting for...?

I look in the mirror and see blank.

I hope...

the things that remind me of you

remind you of me....

if you ever even think of me.

In the end is when I'll know what I was fighting for

whether I win or lose....

Until then

I have to keep going...

in my blanket

I went to bed so early...too early.

Curled up in my blanket, listening to the rain.

I wish I can see you

I wish I can hold you

I wish I can hear your voice

I love my blanket...so warm.

Had some cherries and blueberries today.

Couldn't find any good blackberries...

100lbs.

my magic number.

maybe then....

I'll be thin enough to fit in your mind.

to the bones

i cant stop thinking about you

Me

Me.

I'm innocent.

I'm filthy.

I'm tall.

I'm weak.

I love the way you smile.

I love every minute of your life.

I love you my sweethearts.

I need you.

An eating disorder can ruin the mind.

No one can fully understand.

A eating disorder controls the mind.

Sane people will never understand.

blueberries and cherries.

tomorrow I'll have strawberries and blackberries....

control

I need to lose weight.

Lose it all.

make me nothing.

make me empty.

Id rather die thin and perfect...

than live feeling miserable and ugly.

I'm doing good so far today.

didn't eat much at all....drank lots of tea.

tea tea tea.....

I'm back to square one.

I cried myself to sleep thinking of you.

Trying to get over you.

Wondering why you left.

Hoping and praying that you were healthy and happy.

I put a period to the sentence.

and now you're back.

Ive hit the spiral....

and I feel like I'm losing control.

Now you're back on my mind.

I'm waiting again....

I hate how much I love you.

I hate that I met you.

it hurts,

that in the end, it will all amount to nothing.

NOTHING.

and still....

I wait.

stupid.stupid and ugly.

now off for some ice coffee.

thin

thin...

gotta be thin

in time I'll be fine

dammit.shit.

I hate having lunch/dinner with friends and/or family.

I HATE IT.

no one knows about my eating disorder...no one knows.

What did I eat today....dammit.

Lunch. messed everything up. everything.

I feel disgusting.

I look even more disgusting.....

and on top of that

he wrote me.

now......?

you leaving is the reason I went even more insane.

you leaving is the reason I went out of control.

you leaving...is why I don't eat.

don't you get it?

u disappear...without saying a word...

and....now?

how many months later.....out of the blue.

you write me like nothings happened.

Like I never hurt.Like I don't even bleed......

i still haven't decided what to or if to write back.

I'm a stupid women....

for loving him.

Ice coffee.

that's it for today.

Ice coffee.

it sets in

I sometimes wonder....

how can this be.what did I do.what could I have done.

to be thin or not to be.

Being alive is a great feeling, I know. I really do.

I look in the mirror and I wanna puke.

My arms and its scars. They remind me of everything.

every.little.thing.

I fell in love once. and only once.

everything started spiraling outward again....

when he disappeared.

I could still see your eyes.

I could still feel your hands.

I stopped eating like a sane person.

When you disappeared.